Where God Puts a Period, Don't Put a Question Mark

"Where God puts a question mark, don't put a period." Those words came out of my brother's mouth as he spoke to a grieving family member on the phone. They were words of peace, comfort and faith, and words that had me dwell on them again and again.

Mid-May 2022 was hard, really hard. My brother Alan called us during an early evening. As soon as he spoke, we could tell something was not right. With a cracking voice, he struggled to let us know that his wife, Kathrine, of some 33 years had suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. It just did not seem to be real.

As this horrible news set in, my mind took me back to similar feelings I experienced more than four decades earlier. I was a student at Ricks College in Rexburg, Idaho, in late 1981. There was a small group of us that spent a lot of time together - me and my roommates Lans and Sohn, and two of our Family Home Evening (FHE) sisters Kathy and Allison. We went to sporting events, movies, the nearby sand dunes, all across campus and just plain hung out a lot together. We were great friends.

For the Thanksgiving break, the three of us guys sent to Sohn's cousin's place in Blackfoot, Idaho, while Kathy and Allison returned to their home of Star Valley, Wyoming. Below is an excerpt from my journal.

We returned to Rexburg where we met some startling news. Allison had died in a car wreck when returning home. It really shocked us and we couldn’t concentrate on studying or anything else. We went to our sisters’ apartment and we all just sat there with nobody saying anything. Just a lot of tears by everyone. I called home and talked to my parents but I was pretty shaken up too. We talked to the bishop and set up a trip to Star Valley for the funeral the next Monday. Allison’s death really messed up Kathy and we weren’t sure she would return to school after she heard the news. On Monday, we skipped classes and traveled together to Star Valley. It was kind of a snowy, dark and gloomy day as we traveled but as soon as the funeral started, the sun broke through the clouds with sparkling snowflakes falling. It turned out to be a beautiful day! The funeral helped put our minds at ease. Allison’s family took the events very well and accepted what happened. They gave us words of encouragement which really helped. After the graveside prayer, a power feeling of peace came over me. We returned to the church house with the family for a luncheon. We ate and ate and ate. Lans, Sohn and I spent a lot of time with our family home evening sisters. We often stayed up until 2 or 3 a.m. as we all sorted through our feelings of losing Allison. We became much closer not only as a FHE group but as friends.

I had been raised with an understanding of death and how it was part of our natural and eternal existence. I believed we lived in a different realm before coming to Earth, as spirits. We would eventually be born with a body, live a life here and when we died, our spirits would continue to live without our bodies, and then we go to a place of comfort and rest with those who passed before us. Eventually, the day will come that we will be resurrected or, in other words, that our spirits will be reunited with our bodies, yet they will be glorified and perfected. In that state, we will then live eternally. This Plan of Salvation, as it's called, makes total sense and I believe it to be real and true.

The thing is that even though others somewhat close to me had passed away, like grandmothers and grandfathers, and despite my personal and religious beliefs, this seemed different. I was still in my teenage years and Allison was so young and had so much of her life left to live. Her passing was the first time someone so close to me had died. The bottom line is this was the first time my beliefs were really put to the test - and it was a hard test. Yet, I could see in the faces of Allison's family members that they knew the Plan of Salvation was real. They showed that in their behavior and in their words. And their faith strengthened mine. That was a defining moment in my young life.

Fast forward to 2018, I had the opportunity to spend a month in Wichita, Kansas, to help care for my Dad over the final month of his life as the Christmas season approached. He had been diagnosed with cancer just a few months earlier. That, too, was a hard thing watching his body deteriorate, yet he handled it with patience, faith and courageous endurance. Even though it was physically, mentally and emotionally draining as my Mom and I and eventually other family members cared for him at all hours of the day and night during his final days with us, it did not alter or affect my spiritual beliefs. I knew where Dad was going. When he passed on December 1, he was relieved of his earthly pain and went to be with his father and other family members who passed before. I was sad knowing he would no longer be an active part of my life but I know that I will see him again one day down the eternal road.

Grandpa Al reading a book to 
grandson William 

I also understand and feel assured of Kathrine's destination according to the plan but the suddenness of her passing made it difficult. I arrived at Alan's house about 18 hours after his original call. I just wanted to be there to offer whatever help and comfort I could. Instead, I feel that I came away the benefactor. What I witnessed was faith, strength, compassion and graciousness. Despite being devastated and heartbroken, Alan was simply amazing! As his children and other family members arrived, he is the one comforted each of them. As neighbors stopped by to drop off cinnamon rolls, flowers, lunches, cards, dinners and condolences, it was Alan who thanked and reassured each of them. He's the one who offered words of comfort and gratitude. I always knew he had a big heart and a calm demeanor but his actions given the situation were just so inspiring! 

Putting yourself in his shoes, it would be so easy to strongly question God's will, dwell on what just happened, become bitter and seek to point fingers and assign blame. Instead he was calm, confident, welcoming and believing, and a source of faith and strength to all, including his little brother.  

Alan addressing everyone at the pre-funeral family gathering

Below are a few of the words Alan shared with an overflow congregation at Kathrine's memorial service.

I will miss her every day, but at the same time I know she is happy knowing that I will look for and find beauty, joy and happiness each day. That's what she wants for me, and that's what she wants for each of us - her family. I want you to know I have a firm conviction and confirmation that when Kathrine passed away, her spirit rolled sweetly and gently into the waiting arms of her heavenly parents and her loved ones on the other side of the veil. I look forward to the day we will be together again. And I hope we can all live in the same heavenly cul-de-sac. What a time that will be!

Where God put a period, Alan did not put a question mark. He placed an exclamation mark of love, discipleship and peace. Thank you Alan for your example and God bless you and your family!    

Alan in his favorite habitat, overlooking the ocean